My 5th Attempt

So, I finally decided to stop smoking. Even as I write this, it feels weird saying it out loud.  I have been a smoker ever since I entered college, so that was about more or less 11 years ago. I got into smoking because basically when you are in college you experiment with a lot of stuff and I was into bad-ass image with a little a bit of dorky vibe and the smoking I think gave me that bad-ass image, I think.  But I actually only smoke when I am not in the house, or when I am out drinking. I don’t feel the urge to smoke when I’m in the house, I know some people who would go crazy if they have not smoke in a day, but I do not feel any of that. I think this quit smoking thing is my 5^th attempt. I don’t know if I would succeed this time, but it feels different now to tell you the truth. I feel like I am finally able to do this this time around. I just went out the other week and usually the hardest part for me would be when I am filled with alcohol and everyone around me is smoking and giving me cigarettes. But I was actually able to say no to everyone and not smoke a single cigarette that night. So hurrah!

So what finally made me try to quit smoking? Well recently a high school friend died. Of course when someone your age or near your age dies you rethink about all your choices in life. The truth is, death really scares me to the point that when I think about it, I hyperventilate. But I know this is something we would all have to face one day but I would really prefer to experience death later rather than sooner. So smoking I think really gets in the way of me wanting to live longer so I want to quit it. So far, I do not feel any urge or weird sensations, but I guess 3 weeks of not smoking is still too early to tell if anything is changing.  I really hope that this time around I succeed in quitting this infernal habit. I never really even liked smoking, to tell you the truth. Sometimes it burns my throat and I get headaches when I smoke too much. I don’t really understand why I even stuck with it. Maybe it’s the feeling after eating a hefty meal and then going out to smoke or the feeling smoking gives when you are stressed out and a good smoke can lessen the burden somehow. But I guess these feelings are psychological in a way. I just have to learn to let go of those pre perceived smoking feelings and I think I can finally be free.